The cookbook.

With a squeal of delight she tore frantically at the Amazon packaging, the smell of new book wafted upwards and was greeted by the beaming smile that swept across her face confirming my worst fears, the cookbook had arrived. " I'll get started right away " she announced, the sensations now beginning in the pit of my stomach were telling me even my bowels wanted to evacuate. " Which would you like to try first ?" I avoided the question while silently hatching a dastardly plan to make this intruder disappear. " Cheesy chops and chips it is then " followed by another beaming smile. Recklessly I retorted " Why not try something more adventurous ?" Another quip I would soon regret.

Later that evening I came home to an alien smell escaping through the slightly open kitchen window. I cautiously peered around the door to behold a sight that would make most men go weak at the knees, my wife clad in her " Don't mess with the chef " apron lightly beaded with sweat and with a determination in her eye that I haven't seen since those long hours spent in the delivery suite of the CMUH a few short months ago. I looked around the bombsite that used to be my spotless kitchen, every pot and dish we own was strewn around, some at very precarious angles with various substances bonded to their once pristine interiors. " Sit " she said " I've a surprise ." Obedient puppy that I am, I sat. I was now weak at the knees anyway so the chair was a welcome support. The place setting told a tale of no escape, no one to share the pain with. The dinner scene from silence of the lambs flashed across my minds eye and the panic was exacerbated when the dish was proudly plonked on the table in front of me with the shrill announcement " Kerala prawn curry." I think I hid my disdain. But I couldn't hide my disbelief as I tucked tentatively at first, then as the chillies and turmeric numbed every taste bud I ever had, I ate heartily while praising the chef and the exposition of her hidden talents.

The clean up took an age to complete but there's nothing quite like snoozing contentedly on a full stomach. Thinking happy thoughts and planning adventures for the following day. Blissfully unaware.

Some time later it happened, the most unpleasant evacuation process one will ever be involved in is the evacuation of ones own self ! I thought my teeth would come out ! Oh the stinging.... I shall never forget it. My only consolation was my darling wife was on the other toilet with only a wall between us, the consequences of her poor attention span could be heard and smelled by all and sundry. Thank god for that wall it not only spared the blushes, it also spared me the custodial sentence that would surely have resulted were I to enact even a portion of the thoughts that filled my head. Through gritted teeth we jeered and cheered each other on only leaving our enforced refuges to fill up on the liquid of life and try to reassure baby that mammy and daddy still loved him and would indeed return one day, albeit a shade paler and a few pounds lighter.

So now fully recovered from this life changing experience my wife has announced the expected arrival of " 101 cakes and bakes." The old feelings of panic returned as I looked into the eyes of the woman who calls rice krispie buns her specialty and realised...... she's not joking. I suppose the upside to this is the collection of toilet roll inserts which I use in the garden has increased dramatically.Every cloud has a silver lining and all that, this one though was lined...... in brown.